Thursday, August 21, 2008

Death 12-3-1987

Here's a poem that I wrote a mere 21 years ago. Part I Will Never Love Again but mostly Life Sucks and I Want To Die.
Three things that strike me when I read it again:
1. The poem goes on and on and on.
2. I have no idea who the boy in the poem was.
3. No wonder everyone thought I was going to commit suicide! (For the record, I'm still here.)

Death 12-3-1987

Nowhere to go
Nothing to do
Failing in all efforts
Trying not to give up
Losing all faith
Hating all life
Wanting to go
But needing to live
Longing to hold him
But he's gone
Where can I find him?
Is there an answer somewhere?
Is death an answer?
Will he save me just for an instant?
Just to be with him before I go
Nowhere to run
No one to help me
All alone
No longer coping
This is no longer a temporary problem
The problem will linger forever
I am worthless
No sense of value
No conscience to save me
No heart to love
No soul to lose
No mind to stop me
There is no understanding
But there is no longer anything to understand
All feeling gone
An empty heart
No will to live
No strength to die
Unworthy of love
No one would want me
Needing someone
But unable to find
Have tried too long
Will no longer try
A useless task
Will always be hurt
I am a problem
To all around me
No longer know
Right from wrong
All hard work is for
Feelings kept inside
Waiting to burst
Feeling the wire
Snap within me
Haunted at night
Needing Peace
Peace forever
Needing to leave the hurt and the
Torn inside by emotions of past and present
A pain so deep it aches
I have lost
Have tried to hold on but
Yearned for him but he has
Forgotten me
If he ever remembered
Lost all innocence
Fallen from Grace

By: Cathy Wos


the odds are stacked and
you can't win
your life of pain will now begin
anger and bitterness
hem you in
they say your life is frothed in sin
(but why do they care?)

boredom and irritability
sense or sensibility
what will bring tranquility
what will bring stability
what will bring relief

a theif
from the night
stole your happiness
your efforts are fruitless
your ideals are nonesense
your purpose is vain

you're insane
beat the strain
avoid the mundane
there must be
something to gain
(but not in this world.)

By: Heather Johnson


they scream
piled up against me
in my head
i can't do it
can't see it
or be it
leave me then
if you're true
tired of lies
my demise
self demise
let me die
i'm of no use to you

By: Heather Johnson

Cherished One, Watched From Afar

If you stepped on me
Breaking my spine
Leaving the print of
Your running shoe on my forehead
I would frame the print in pewter
And lace my shattered spine with tulips

By: Heather Johnson


in this hypochondriatic state
i am insecure but
i leave it to fate
and deter the attention
shoved in my direction
and they won't understand
all I want is affection or love

left in mind-shattering solitude
watch your attitude
young lady and mind
your manners
show your gratitude
stay sane

too many expectations
shoved on me
you go on vacation
I've lost motivation
I've lost life
return to me
i yearn to be free
and alive

By: Heather Johnson


To the friend I left behind,
this poem is for you.
You led yourself into a void;
there's nothing I can do.
While you were sinking deeper,
I was bailing out;
you chose the quick and easy path;
I took the other route.
It's not that I'm neglecting you;
I wish that you could see
I'm not rejecting all that you are;
I'm just protecting me.
I hope someday we'll reunite.
You still hold a piece of my heart;
but I've got too much at stake right now.
It's best we stay apart.

(Sadly, I remember every word of this lovely verse from 1985 by heart. I wanted like hell to change it, but I couldn't perpetrate that kind of dishonesty!)

By: Michele Weitz

Soul Queef (Retched Words)

Words barrel from his lungs.
Step back,
it will shock you.
Any time now...
Grim looks our fate.
Did your soul just queef all over me?

By: Jesse Howard


Weathered my soul has become under this cloud. Not sure what type of cavernous hurt I have. Implied on the binding parts of my life, striking or struck I have become numb to the difference. Leather bounds my expression. Astounding attempts, fragile to one. Lost is needed as the stairs are steep, will the like insisted choose right resenting every plea for broken words. Why do these demons entangle their will. Embarrassed by action & content in not feeling. Their words build me & break me. Friends like poison of the slowest kind. Desperation needs truth. Here I reside hoping not to parish from misinterpreted judgment."

By: Jesse Howard

Found in true Accuracy

in the array of passions,
the clime for security upon well being,
and our questioning beneath
the souls ecstasy,
lingers an aimless goal.
Creating only a longing for something deeper.
The search is conducted on common ground, in which we find true wealth, not material riches but the Self,
in which all fears are conquered
and meaning becomes the answer.

By: Jesse Howard


don't play games with me bitch,
spread your legs and lets get hitched.
you can buy a one way ticket to my dick,
but please, don't hate me because I'm sick!
The truth is your the trick so don't run
and don't hide, stand still and I'll give you a free ride.

By: Jesse Howard


release me from your grasp.
reflect all that is true,
except what comes as new.
with extreme dark
comes brilliant light.
and to you,
I will never give up the fight.
so chase as you may
you wont find me cause,
I'm out to play!

By: Jesse Howard


I glance around our crowded hallways
and see,
Faces desperate for acceptance,
Hearts in search of comfort, at any risk.
Arms seeking arms. Pain seeking strength.
Do we wish for neglect or does it innocently fall into unwilling laps?
There should be a reason why we worship friends as gods.
We date those we shouldn't; those we do not love.
We want what is desired not by us, but by them--other's opinions create our own.
When we joyful, we are sad.
When we are frightened, we are angry.
Are smiles really grimaces?
Are kisses really bites?
Life, engulfed by pain,
I wonder,
Is there any beauty worth seeking out?

By: Leslye Walton

May I Serve You

D*mn hat
F-ing Apron
Standing Behind the Counter trapped..
tick tock
The clock has slowed.
God I want to be free
water bubbles in the well
Gloved hands perched on the Counter..
Tight elastic.clinging to my skin
A customer trickles in
Followed by a herd
False Smile Dullshine eyes
Hello, may I help you
Pest all of you
Yes, can I haveummm
Sold my soul for cheap
What is that?
For a measly buck
Sure I will like
Clinking Plates
I move to serve smiling
Small you are the enemy
You are
Across the Counter
No more.
Joking and jostling
Hey slave, I need
No, you only get
Come on please
Dirty pans to be delivered to the Gods of Dishwater
Water in White Styrofoam cups
High above my head
Juggling Pans..magically transfer the empty with the full
Standing Behind the Counter
I should be on the other side
No need no worry
Sold my soul
F-ing Apron
The hand moved
Almost free
Go rigid in obedience
Pleasant service
Customer is always right
Another customer
Quick service
Barked at by the manager
No horseplay
We scurry like rats
Smug looks with I am glad I am not you shine
I should be on the other side of the Counter
Such a privilege to serve YOU
The clock moves and my shift stops
I pass the spoodle-the torch-, and robotic stance
Removal of the hat and freed of the apron strings
False smile fades into a tired straight line
Dullshine eyes reflect relief and exhaustion
I sold my soul with grim need to pay the bills
Weary shoulders..Numbed feet.Lifeless legs
Clicking off the open sign upon my face
And turning off the automatic recording.
May I serve you in my throat.

By: Amanda Hawk


I am the shadow of the woman
you took and threw away
spit upon my face with such ease
like kisses once enjoyed
stained beyond recognition
from dirt released from tongue
burying me in the grave
you made for me in you minds eyes
I am the one that believed your hollow promises
you kept on file
rolodex my heat between tidbits
of self importance
never to be your love one
just one night stand
as you walk in six in the morning
to pick up the boots as you left through door
of my so-called love

I will become your ghost
slipping under door bedroom office nightlife
fleeting image in the corner of your eye
track you from other side of bar
within mental locked doors
haunt you
remind you of those breathless nights
fogging my eyes to your image
for you was my god
then pedestal bastardized
with bitter truths to crack the glass
with hammer of my tongue
licking out revealing your true nature
making you the shadow the secret the shame
to be hidden at the bottom of graves
deep in my mind
realizing you were nothing to see
or worth the blood held in my heart

By: Amanda Hawk

Just a Simple Figh

You said God put us together
To make me stronger
And you kinder
But I havent gotten stronger,
And you havent gotten nicer.
I only feel weaker and drained.
Struggling to understand each other,
But only clashing in our point of views.

Our shouting sent the walls flying and the neighbors ears
To the floor
For they never came rapping at the door
Rocking to the rhythm of my tears
Choked breaths marked the time
Your capitalized claws found me
Through our words
And raked across my souls flesh
Scarred and maimed, my soul
Is netted together with a fine mesh
Of ink, words, and paper.

You said I need to grow up
and that you werent going to be around forever
And I thought how could I regain my childhood
And wished you would go away
Your words triggered nothing
No love no compassion, and definitely no motivation

Our fights rocked the neighborhood
Sliding the earth out from under their feet
Sending them on their backs
And me to my knees
Just another peaceful day in the neighborhood
Or so we all pretend

You said that I am a nobody and need to get off my ass
Once in a while
Be a part of something and make an attempt to look nice
For others judged on looks and would make fun of me
I thought you were the only one to point them out
That you were never satisfied
You wanted me to be you

Peace is broken and lying on the floor
The walls cracked and the earth shaken
Me hiding in my room and you lurking downstairs
Blaring the TV and I hiding within my music
The banging juts my attention sending me to the hallway
We retract our scathing words
But the electric tension crackles in the air
The neighbors kept their ears to the floor
For they never came rapping at the door
Peace is broken and lying on the floor

By: Amanda Hawk



The wind whips at the hollows of my mind,
and I cannot react in time,
to save myself,
or my soul,
to breathe the breath as black as coal.
No others will know
of my torture.
Only me in thine eyes
The death of one who tries,
when there's so many missing things.
There are so many missing things."

By: Heidi Houser

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

a bottle of black clouds

a bottle of black clouds
to release it is to conform
so sip it from the side
for all you want is near.

the words of a wild woman
they vent through a caustic crematorium
a gas chamber for your enjoyment
it moves inside of your veins, deep

make it mine, all mine.
all mine

By: Jordan Baker



I've still got Bud on my mind.
It's hard being a young girl in love.
I wish it wasn't this way.
I want him to be the one.
I want him to dance with me.
Dance close and dance slow.
I want him to hold me tight.
I know I'll be safe.
I only wish.
If it were true, I'd be soaring like an eagle.

December 8, 1984


By: Christina Peressini



It started out in 1977, god dropped you a little gift from heaven

Two parents struggling to do the best they can, giving it all to the child they had

Love kept them together through the years, always caring for me and wiping my tears

I miss the closeness we once had, when I think about it- it makes me feel so bad
I used to be able to tell you everything, keeping no secrets and having no shame
Where is the loving father I once knew? I wish I could say my love for you has only grew...

But you make me angry and pissed off, and I want out-

That's why I am leaving here for good with out a doubt

I hope you enjoy your new life here without me, all quiet and stress free
Just remember the choices you made, you brought
me to this, the path has been paved
I'll be out of here by dawn- I hope you'll miss me when I am gone........

*I wrote and left this for my parents before I hitch hiked (via truckers) with 2 girlfriends from Eugene OR to San Francisco CA to live a more glamourous life..."

By: Disree Hewitson